I guess it should not be a surprise that I was not significant to her like she was to me..it is obvious by her actions that the end of this relationship was not difficult for her nor does it really affect her. I am an idiot I spent a year of my life with someone and really thought that it was the real thing and then all that I have thrown away and lost as a result. I really am regretting the past I am regretting giving up myself to be with her. I was actually loving myself and for the first time in my life I was doing okay and feeling loved and loving and doing the right things no matter what and then the relationship and its demise I have allowed to destroy me. I have given away any power I had to someone that could care less. Really do I like her, there are many wonderful qualities but in many ways her controlling and demanding demeanor are not really what I am into. Status and material belongings and titles are important to her and that is definitely not what I am about…nor do I want to be about….anyway I had to vent..I really have never allowed myself to be so hurt by someone and kept setting myself up for rejection. More later maybe not I am really going to pray to have her removed from my life and mind….I am sad and hurt and really I don’t want to be mean…I really feel that she has been cruel and unkind and has no clue how many different roles she played in my life….very important roles in which trust is vital and now she totally detaches….and I can’t even explain it but she is totally different than I thought she was- and so I guess it is better I find out….no one is worth dying for and I almost allowed myself to die…I am really struggling with a lot of things and here I give her the time and space on my page..I am going to work hard at detaching and work really hard and it will be hard I really did love her and thought it was more…..maybe it wasn’t I deserve better than someone that loves me for my potential and not the person I am…always trying to fix me..or to get me to be who she wanted me to be. I never felt good enough and in fact at the time I was quite good enough and now I am and will be better….I deserve to be in the real deal and I believe with the right person that my “trust” issues will all work out. I believe God did for me what I couldn’t do for myself and so though I trusted her more than I have ever trusted anyone….I think I knew all along that it was a much more significant relationship in my life than it was in hers. That is just how it is and how it goes…I can’t make someone love me and I don’t want to and I am not so sure God doesn’t have a bigger better plan for me if I allow it….I have to remember to keep it on me but also remember that she obviously isn’t much more successful than I am at relationships. She owns a business and I don’t think she has a single employee that has been there a year and most don’t make it that long…in 5 or 7 years the longest employee she has had was a couple of years…and romantically her pattern has been to jump from one to another….my perception of those that do that is first of all they don’t really like their own company and secondly that the people they choose are replaceable and disposible.
I have some guilt about her ex. I feel very badly for her ex and exes before….I guess I am like everyone else and want to be believe somehow I am different and today she let me know how- that her time with me was less significant than I was led to believe and wanted to believe. It really hurt and of course comes at a time when I really wanted her support but she doesn’t want to give it. I wanted some resolution so that I am not quite so afraid about going back into a community that she is in….I guess I wanted her to do for me what she won’t and/or can’t and so though it isn’t in some ways in my best interest I am choosing to become involved in either another fellowship
Just another day here in Louisville. I have cabin fever and am struggling a bit as usual so I think I am going out of town for the next couple of days…to help a friend and to be helped..not very far- Lexington- but it might be a welcome change and perhaps I will even get to a meeting where I won’t have to be “afraid” when I walk in…she has been sober a couple of decades I think and so it very well might be just the experience I need…we will see….at this point any action that has the opportunity to connect me to God, I am open to…unfortunately just the like the “anonymous” person I am, I am always looking for ways to change how I feel and so of course again I am looking for that, but on a more positive and healthy note. I am really not sure about the “community here” actually I am most unsure about my place in the community- of course it is all about me as usual, but even when I have attempted to go with an attitude of helpfulness…it doesn’t seem to help much. I know it is all my stuff, I really do miss feeling connected and feeling like I belonged at least for awhile in the recovering community. It is a strange and unwelcoming feeling to feel as though I am not good enough even to be amongst that community. I have realized that we are all sick it seems and that even though someone may have years of experience abstaining from some things doesn’t mean they are perfect. I suppose that we all struggle with different things and as the length of sobriety progresses those things evolve. I am a basket case of emotions it seems and then at other times I feel very desensitized and as if I have no feelings at all. I do have some very negative emotions going on at times–rage, resentment etc…but mostly I just feel sad…about a whole lot of things mostly about the actions I have taken that have harmed myself and others. My spirit is heavy and my soul seems empty. It’s crazy, I know that this is not the person God wants for me to be and yet I stay conflicted or I go from extremely optimistic to pessimistic in a matter of hours and it is so frustrating for me and I am sure for the very few that have consistently reached out and really attempted to be helpful it is equally frustrating. I am grateful for my family and these few friends and I am sure I won’t stay in this place forever….if I do I will die and right now I am not so sure that would be such a big loss since I have really not contributed much to the stream of life lately if ever…the point is that I want to contribute before I die and I want to bring and I want to give and live whatever it is that my purpose is….so tonight regardless of how I feel and what I think I will do my best to get out of myself and do something for someone else…. it’s been a rough journey and I don’t make that journey any easier…my mind is such the enemy and to get a break from it would be complete joy….but I am stuck with it and only I and God have the power to change these thoughts….guess I am impatient…and it just doesn’t happen fast enough and it just takes work without giving up…..I crave something different..now I must work for it…
zzzzzzz now back to lose myself and this beautiful day in sleep and dreams….
If it’s not yet obvious to you, the real reason for this season is you, Erika. A more perfect child of the Universe has never lived. Until now, only a celebration cloaked in myth and mystery could hint at your sublime heritage and divine destiny. You are life’s prayer of becoming, and its answer. The first light at the dawn of eternity, drawn from the ether, so that the Universe might know its depths, discover its heights, and frolic in endless seas of blessed emotion. A pioneer into illusion, an adventurer into the unknown, and a lifter of veils. Courageous, heroic and exalted by billions in the unseen.
To give beyond reason. To care beyond hope. To love without limit. To reach, stretch, and dream, in spite of your fears. These are the hallmarks of divinity – traits of the immortal – your badges of honor. Wear them with a pride as great as the unspeakable pride we feel for you.
Your light has illuminated darkened paths, your gaze has lifted broken spirits, and already your life has changed the destiny of all who will ever follow.
This is the time of year we celebrate Erika R.
Bowing before Greatness,
The Universe
Tonight is Christmas Eve and in my selfishness I am so very grateful this season is almost over. This year is so different from last and this year has been one of the most difficult holidays I can remember having in years. I am grateful for the very few friends I have that have been there for me and offered me a safe place and encouraging words. In the times of sadness, grief and self pity they have held me and rocked me and allowed me to be exactly where I am and also not allowed me to be in the isolation and self destruction that by myself ..is exactly where I would be. It has been a long few months and I have made so many mistakes that most of the time my hopelessness …..feels to heavy and to overwhelming to climb out of. I try to have hope to be positive to believe that Gods plan will be better than any plan I could think of, but I also have not done a very good job of following Gods will or trusting God. There are many things in my life I am grateful for and deep down I believe there must me a small bit of me that loves myself and keeps trudging and though I give up…I always somehow manage by Gods Grace to not completely give up.
The truth is that it is a miracle that I am alive and through this difficult time I have at least shown up in person even though my spirit feels defeated and distant. I really want to be loving and giving and trusting and get out of myself and do something big in this life and be something more than I have ever allowed myself to be. It has become so obvious that some of my fear lies in lack of connection. I don’t feel as though I have been ever truly connected with another, there is always a distance I feel or create. No one knows the real me and I don’t allow the real me an opportunity to show itself. My soul cries out to be seen and yet with every chance I push away those that I crave to show. Strangely enough I believe after years of work on this and years of not believing, I believe I am worthy of Gods love and loved by God and that in itself is a miracle and so that is a start.
I don’t know my plans for tomorrow and really I just want Christmas over, but I am going to do my best to show up for others and to get out of myself long enough to do right by others.
The 26th my son would be 16 years old. He died from SIDS three months later, but that will always be the very best Christmas present and will always be the very best Christmas memory I have. I would like to honor him and his memory some way this year, even if it is just by praying to God and praying to him and spending some time allowing the memory to live and experiencing the greatest and truest love that I have ever felt….
I hope that if anyone does actually read this…that they have a happy holiday and that the ugly memories that haunt some of us at least for a few moments may be relieved and that for just a few seconds that each of us can be filled with peace and the presence of something much deeper than this life and than human love…..May God bless you…
The coincidences are so strange given my post yesterday….this is my email from the Universe today ….and most the time these hit home so close that it freaks me out a bit..so weird but I love them…
“By the simple act of thinking, Erika, vortexes are created, invisible energies are applied, and circumstances begin creeping to make real what was previously just imagined. This supernatural pull of your thoughts continues long after you think them, whenever there follows intent, expectation and action; moving mountains, parting rivers, and doing the “impossible” until there is the inevitable manifestation. This is how your “thoughts becoming things.” How they physically become things in a dimension that already exists, with billions of players and massive momentum. Not by appearing out of thin air, but through a manipulation of such forces in the unseen that literally begin shifting, morphing, and arranging all of the elements in your life so as to deliver to you the nearest equivalent of what you’ve been thinking. In other words, the “law of attraction.”
“Thoughts becoming things” explains the law of attraction. It’s why there is a law of attraction. And unlike any other 3 words in all the vocabularies of all the languages in the world, “thoughts become things” tells you exactly where you fit into the picture, as the thinker, the decision maker over what you will think about, revealing your power as a supernatural, all powerful, unlimited, CREATOR.
But, of course, many prefer not to think of themselves as so phenomenally powerful.
The Universe
Nervous and excited all in one…hmmmm lots to do
