I choose to live outside the box– nothing that really is meaningful in my life has ever fit within the confines of any box. I choose today to live free and happy and am able to create a new limitless experience where the past does not dictate the present and where dreams really do come true..sometimes I have learned that old dreams must die to make room for new ones and that the cocoon gives birth to butterflies….ah I am happy to be me and happy that I know that I am worth it and worthy and grateful – it is by “dying” that one awakens to eternal LIGHT…Yay for living in the light!
January 25, 2008
Hope everyone in wordpress land has a very good weekend…I know I hope to…..Peace OUt…..
January 25, 2008
Has to be the person I hear…while on lunch- at least I dodged that bullet with some type of success……. and at least I was aware that there is nothing left there when that person is in the vicinity- that is a nice thing to be aware of and in itself brings about comfort. That chapter of my life is completely closed and over- time to write a new book
I am really hoping that tonight is filled with wonderful magical experiences and solid safe friendships—– very scared about what the day and evening hold…I just remember to breathe…..that in itself has to be enough for the moment
January 25, 2008
My stomach is in complete knots and no solution seems to be in sight…might have to lose it all to gain anything….
January 24, 2008
I suppose that with the right company any “8 o’clock” can be an amazing experience and the fact that “smoking” is permitted only adds to the ambiance and attractiveness of so called place….
In all reality it is taking everything I have got in me to go to any “8 o’clock” or any other meeting for that matter……
January 23, 2008
Just made very aware that I made the right choice last night….sometimes peoples voices or just the sound of their laughter is enough to make one- okay me- sick to my stomach…..wheeeeeeeee
January 22, 2008
So I have absolutely nothing in my house at the moment and that included my laptop….must find a way to earn some extra deniro…soon….
Good news is that I am making some positive choices and have committed to my mentor and friend some very important things….uhg this nightmare is soon to be over and I will be extremely grateful once it is…this is the hardest most difficult thing I have ever had to do- and I am exhausted but grateful for a few very close and safe friends…some old and a couple new…
January 17, 2008
I have been spending time with a friend recently and that has definitely brightened my spirit. She allows me to be completely myself and is extremely supportive and has not judged me at all- and I so appreciate that.
I have enjoyed simple things I once use to- going to the WalMart (evil I know) and going to dinner. It has been very pleasant and each time we spend time together I am more present and am able to listen and conversate a bit better. There are many dynamics and it makes it fairly nice….years ago we met and since – repeatedly in one way or another we each have reached out to each other through the years. She is very kind to me and seems to be able to really and truely be my friend and so my trust is growing and I am less guarded and guilt ridden. It feels very nice and comforting and I am able to learn more and more about being her friend and respectful in certain areas. She has an amazing story and has done some pretty impressive and amazing things she has faced obstacles but she still has a deep faith in HP and still trudges…
It would seem that those I find intrigueing are usually older…and it would seem a bit more dominant in certain areas. It is funny that when I was younger I was usually more dominant and now I am attracted to the more dominant less feminine women.
I am excited at building my own community and my own life…My very best friend and I have a few ideas going on and she is such a great motivator and encourager- we talk for hours and laugh and share secrets and it is such a complete joy to be her friend and to have her as a friend. We rock!!!! We are both born on “Flag Day” and I tell you that it is great fun to be Gemini Twins with her!!!
There is so much more to life than what I have put myself through the past year. I really cheated myself this past year and especially the past few months. I threw away countless opportunities to really connect and grow with others. My world was very bleak and I pushed everyone away and isolated so much so that small efforts to expand now bring joy. I gave all my power away and allowed myself to become very disillusioned. I allowed the messages I heard to become my truth and allowed others opinions and and judgements to dictate my actions and reactions. The other night I let go in a way that I haven’t before and since then I have felt much relief. I finally accepted the present as it is… I reached a point of complete willingness to let go of something and I am grateful to be completely willing. There is nothing left to hold on to nor is there anything at all to say and I have a certain amount of peace with that. I finally realized that I deserve better and am worth more than I have allowed myself to believe. I made a commitment to myself to do whatever it takes for me to remain convicted and true to my truth and I made the decision to completely shut the door and to not revisit the past. It is gone and I am ready and capable of moving forward. Life is full of opportunities and growth and I have the power to stay true to myself no matter what. Everything is okay and I am okay and each day has gotten better and more more freedom has presented itself. I am grateful to God and grateful to have had the experience once again of losing myself. There is much good and I am good and I am on my way to being great….Peace Out !!!
